15 Steps to Recognize Unsafe Relationships and Protect Yourself
Handling difficult situations is often distressing. It can be just plain hard on us. Many times we have fears or doubts about how we will be perceived. What’s the best way to handle an issue, or how to be assertive and take a stand but not offend those relationships? Or we may wonder how to confront without attacking.
But sometimes, in these situations, it is the people we are dealing with who are the real cause of our distress. Some people are just unsafe.
Think about the friend who leaves us when the going gets tough.
The family member who speaks “the truth,” but there is no love that goes with it.
The boss or co-worker seemingly acts to assist us but comes out as critical and judgmental instead. Maybe it’s the person who cannot be responsible for sensitive or private information.
Authors John Cloud and John Townsend, in their book Safe People: How to Find Good Relationships and Avoid Those That Aren’t, let us know that
Safe Relationships Are:
Confrontable- People who are confrontable can actually help us learn about ourselves. They may even help us change our painful patterns. They make us better,
Empathetic – Empathy is letting go of your opinion and what YOU need in the relationship so that you can enter the world of the other person. Empathetic people also act on their empathy. There is a give and take of caring.
Consequently, both people bring their lives, loves, joys, and sorrows to the connection
Can Maintain Separateness-These are people who understand and maintain boundaries! They keep emotional “property lines” between you and others. Thus, separate people take responsibility for what is theirs and don’t take ownership of what is not theirs.
Not Enmeshed- Enmeshment is the opposite of separateness. Enmeshing relationships are ones where one person is swallowed up in the needs of the other. One feels threatened by the individuality of the other and actively seeks to control them by intimidating or manipulating them. In enmeshment, “together” is bliss (for one), and “apart” is hell (for one). This type of person emphasizes similarities and discourages differences in people. Safe people encourage value and nurture the separateness of other people.
So what do unsafe people look like?
Have a hard time telling the truth
Are easily defensive and not open to hearing differing thoughts, ideas, opinions
Don’t admit their weakness
Believe they are right and others wrong
Avoid dealing with conflict
Tend to be blamers, not taking personal responsibility
Don’t reconcile unless the other person apologizes
Cut people out of their life
Apologize, but don’t change unhealthy behaviors
Have a lot of “demands” rather than requests
Have set or stuck mindsets, are not flexible and adaptable
Avoid connection and closeness
Are more negative than positive
Have a hard time with forgiveness
Carry bitterness and resentment
You get the idea. The quality of our important friendships can tell us a great deal about how much safety we are receiving.
Questions to ask myself and assess the health of my current relationships-
Accept me like I am?
Celebrate my accomplishments and achievements with me.
Support me in my disappointments and grief?
Have my back? Are they “there” for me?
Hold me accountable out of love and friendship?
Live out what they believe and help me do the same.
Have the right relationships in their life?
Love me, unconditionally?
Motivate me to love more?
Let me be me?
Help me to grow as a person, parent, and worker.
Touch my life and leave me better for it?
Take a minute to think about some of your relationships that seem to be harder rather than more comfortable. These relationships may have a more significant amount of distress, conflict, or chaos. Do you have to work too hard to have more positive than negative interactions? Evaluate these relationships. If they are a spouse, family member, or close friends, seek help together to make the relationships safe!
PS Sign up now for the free Brain/Heart Connection workshop, so you can utilize God-built talent and use it to deepen your connection and create a fulfilling relationship with that special someone. Get It NOW!